Remembering Summer

Friday, February 4, 2011

None At ALL

No Media is definitely difficult.
Turning my phone off was fine.  Leaving my laptop shut was okay.  Not turning the television on... easy.  The only problem was when other people turned that stupid tube of endless media on.  I spent two days at Jeff's and he was totally cool with the fasting.  When he caught up on the news, I just went into the sunroom and he would join me after catching the highlights.  Jeff likes to watch the news quite loud though so it was interesting to attempt to block it out.
Does it count if I was not listening but could still hear?
Other than that I was only caught once.  We were in the city with my parents and a television was playing highlights from a hockey game.  It just happened to be my favorite team.  Oops!  I did not even catch myself until my dad asked why I was watching it.  I honestly did not pay attention to the billboards we passed, but I know I still saw them.
Lesson learned: We cannot separate ourselves from Media without separating ourselves from the world.  No matter where we go in the modern world today there is some form of Media.  I most definitely did my best, and it was not as difficult as I first presumed it would be.  Turning your phone off is NOT HARD people.  Just do it and you will be amazed at how stress free it is.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Where was I?

Of course.  Things are never as easy as they seem.  He managed to get himself lost on the way and I spent hours thinking he was not actually coming to see me.  I had no cell service so there was no way for me to find out.  It was all over reaction of course since he did eventually turn up.
Part of me was afraid that it would be awkward.  Here we were for nearly a week hanging out all day every day.  But it was not bad.  We became closer and I felt as though we connected.  When he had to leave... well it was difficult to say the least.  He promised he would return, but in my world, promises are puffs of smoke.
During our time together, I felt perfectly comfortable.  I knew things would keep going for us.  After he left though, I turned back into the emotional, self-conscious person I was before.  My trust levels were still non-existent.  To make matters worse, my lovely ex decided it was a good time to bring up that I was not worth anybodies time.  Thank you Satan for giving me a complete and total emotional breakdown.
A little over a month later, he returned, and stayed for nearly two weeks.  Things were tough at times as I found myself in conflict with someone whom I love dearly.  He did not approve of my behavior with my guy and made it known in a very hurtful way.  I knew I was not acting any different but because there was someone "pursuing" me, he felt as though I needed to be more careful.  What he saw as an outsider was not what I saw as the actor.
As a young adult, it is very difficult to say that you are wrong even when you are absolutely certain you are in the right.  I am quite fine with admitting when I have made a mistake or done something that is not right.  I was very hurt though to be told that my "love interest" was going to hurt me physically because of my actions.  I did not know how to deal with this situation and of course, with my emotions all over the place the entire summer... another complete breakdown occurred.  Or rather... a couple of them.
My guy helped me sort it though and we talked about it.  He supported me when I felt entirely confused and lost.  We spoke about many things during his visit and I knew then that things were going to work.  If we could sort through these tough times without him fleeing in fear, that was a good sign.
He returned home once more and I followed soon after to return to school.  By now, we knew we were together.  There is no official day saying, "Hey today we became a couple!"  But sometimes this is better.  We flowed into it and there was no pressure.  Recently I found out that in my absence he dated a few girls during the summer.  Needless to say, I am okay with this.  We were not serious at that point and there was no true commitment; there was nothing tying us together giving him a reason not to "check out the market".  It would have been nice if the stupid boy had some patience, but in the end it all worked out.  And even today he has no patience with anything either.  God help me.