Summer was longer than usual. Well... to be technical. I did finish in April instead of June. I left mid-way through May to return to Ontario. I do not think I have ever experienced so much pain in leaving Manitoba before in all my years. Although I knew we would see each other again, I felt as though I had been dumped once again. This of course was illogical. We were only dating. It had only been a month or so. Really I should have just gone on my way and never looked back.
Of course, me being a woman, this was not the case. Every time some other girl posted on his wall or made a comment... I read into it more than I should have. I tried to just ignore any posts that he made and told myself to not email him or message him. Every day, I wanted to cry when he did not text me or chat with me when I was on the internet. I had thought we had something. Apparently he did not.
This went on for I don't know how long. I basically worked my ass off in hopes of just forgetting it and pretending like it was not a big deal that he did not care. I read my Bible, but that only made me cry more. I could not find what God wanted me to see. I did not know what His plan was or if I should really move on like I had before. It was too soon to just forget everything again.
Of course, we did keep in touch, asking how things were and whatnot on rare occasion... like strangers. I remember him always asking me what the weather was like... now I know it is because he wanted to know how the lake was, what I was experiencing. Eventually though, we began talking like we had in the beginning. Whenever we could. This was more into June and my summer was nearly half over. It almost made things worse because I missed him so greatly but could not physically be with him. It felt like teasing, our five minute conversations.
Much of what I found difficult was from my ex telling me that I was not good enough for anybody and nobody would ever want to date me. And then my current love interest barely spoke to me. In early July, I had a friend's wedding in Manitoba. We made the plan for me to meet him briefly at his work before I returned to Ontario. I was most worried about whether it would be the same or if things would be awkward between us.
Needless to say... things picked up again. I was not delusional in believing there had been something. It was true. Because I had visited him... we now made a plan for him to come visit me. My summer was not so dismal anymore. I had spent months as an emotional wrecking ball and I felt as though I could relax once again. I never did actually relax of course, with my trust level in guys being out the window. But I had faith in God and continuously told myself that He had a plan.
To be continued...
Remembering Summer
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
A New Beginning
Because we live in the twenty-first century, I of course had to share my new found joy with the world. Or at least the world of Facebook composing of only four-hundred people in my friends list. It was five in the morning and I felt wonderful. I shot out my little status update proclaiming that the weight had been lifted and I was happy. I slept for hours after that. There were no nightmares, no tears in my sleep. Just peace.
I went to school that day with a smile on my face and a lightness in my step. All of my friends were so happy to see the new me. A friend of mine on Facebook, who I had met only once (through my ex no less!) happened to comment on this great joy. He opened a conversation with me and we began talking. He wanted to know what the difference was since I had been single for months. We talked for nearly five hours while I was in class, between class, and then in class again. We exchanged phone numbers and continued talking. I do not remember the entire conversation, but we definitely became friends that day. We learned a great deal about one another. March was definitely a good month.
After a week or so, we made plans to go see a movie together. He thought it was his idea... but I implemented it. What girl wants to go to a scary movie alone?? Before this, we ended up getting together. I was invited to hang out with him and his buddy at Boston Pizza. It seemed like a good idea. It was much more relaxed with his friend there and I was able to see what he was like in that atmosphere.
Our date was definitely a success. At least in my eyes. He picked me up, something I had never experienced from a guy before, as sad as that sounds. We went to see the Crazies and I squeezed his hand to death the entire time. Afterward we grabbed coffee and went for a walk in the park... for three hours. After he dropped me off at home, we talked for another two hours. How could my happiness be any greater?
We hung out again a few times after that. We went on another couple of dates and I met his parents. That was an interesting experience... I wont go into details. Everything was great. There was only one problem. Summer was fast approaching and he had yet to ask me out. I was leaving for Ontario in May. I was freaking out. I thought things were going quite great from my perspective. We were taking it slow, but really?
There was no doubt about a connection in my eyes. So what was his problem?
To be continued...
I went to school that day with a smile on my face and a lightness in my step. All of my friends were so happy to see the new me. A friend of mine on Facebook, who I had met only once (through my ex no less!) happened to comment on this great joy. He opened a conversation with me and we began talking. He wanted to know what the difference was since I had been single for months. We talked for nearly five hours while I was in class, between class, and then in class again. We exchanged phone numbers and continued talking. I do not remember the entire conversation, but we definitely became friends that day. We learned a great deal about one another. March was definitely a good month.
After a week or so, we made plans to go see a movie together. He thought it was his idea... but I implemented it. What girl wants to go to a scary movie alone?? Before this, we ended up getting together. I was invited to hang out with him and his buddy at Boston Pizza. It seemed like a good idea. It was much more relaxed with his friend there and I was able to see what he was like in that atmosphere.
Our date was definitely a success. At least in my eyes. He picked me up, something I had never experienced from a guy before, as sad as that sounds. We went to see the Crazies and I squeezed his hand to death the entire time. Afterward we grabbed coffee and went for a walk in the park... for three hours. After he dropped me off at home, we talked for another two hours. How could my happiness be any greater?
We hung out again a few times after that. We went on another couple of dates and I met his parents. That was an interesting experience... I wont go into details. Everything was great. There was only one problem. Summer was fast approaching and he had yet to ask me out. I was leaving for Ontario in May. I was freaking out. I thought things were going quite great from my perspective. We were taking it slow, but really?
There was no doubt about a connection in my eyes. So what was his problem?
To be continued...
Moving On
The talk was not exactly a cheerful one. It was about Christianity and how God helps those who follow and believe in Him. He makes things better in our life even if sometimes we do not realize it. God battles depression for us and can rid us of our problems and anxieties.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7
If only I had known this verse then. Perhaps things would not have gotten so heated. It ended up being an early night after that. The discussion was cut short and I was basically cast out of the house with a curt "I love you" and a peck on the cheek. To say the least, I was not exactly feeling the love.
Back at home, I tried to apologize for being so harsh. In his mind I had basically told him he was going to hell. To me, I had just been trying to figure out a way to get past his issues. All I wanted to do was help. Was that so wrong? He barely texted me though and I barely slept that night.
Monday morning meant an 8:30 class and I was running on nearly no sleep. I could barely focus for the entire morning. My mind was on the conversation the night before. Things were not right. I replayed everything that he had said to me not only in the past week but in the past month and I became amazingly tense and afraid.
After class he texted me. He was straight to the point. It was over and that was it. I had no chance of pleading with him; I knew how he was. It felt as though my heart had been ripped from my body. How could I function? My friends were there for me but I still couldn't handle it. I was in shock. It had only been three months and things had ended. Needless to say, I went home. I tried to be normal and go to my appointments. I went to work, went to the doctor, chiropractor.
Only a couple days later my mom came in to the city with my sister. They tried to cheer me up and make me eat. We rented a movie and I fell asleep within five minutes. It was probably a good thing. I hadn't slept since before that last conversation. I didn't eat anything... until my mom forced me to.
Within a couple days he was with someone new. The last few weeks we had been together made sense now: the distance and separation. Him arguing over the small things. The pain only increased. I dropped pounds, and fast. My friends couldn't cheer me up and my dad was angry with my depression. What could I do though? I had loved someone only to find out that he had cheated on me and then dumped me.
I knew I needed to change. I had to find a way out before I completely lost myself. I read my Bible every day, chapters and books, searching. I prayed and prayed. In the beginning I was praying for the wrong things. I wanted him back. Who knows why. He had hurt me financially, physically, emotionally, verbally, and most importantly: spiritually while we were together. I was still hung up on the mirage of love and not what was really there.
Spring Break rolled around, or as we call it in College: Reading Week. Nobody reads much but it is a nice name. I visited my parents for a couple days before going to Ontario to visit both sets of grandparents. All of them forced food on my like the end of the world was tomorrow. Apparently I was pretty thin. I didn't even notice. Being with the people I love in such a saturated way might have triggered the change. I know God was behind it all but He definitely implemented some angels to help.
I returned home at the end of the week and went back to school on Monday. My passion for reading the Bible had only intensified. I was still searching. I remember talking with him through a couple emails. I knew he had moved onto his second girlfriend since leaving me but he decided to tell me how great she was. He made sure I knew that she was better than me. In every. Single. Way. We both said some things. He was aiming to hurt and much of it was through lies. He was good with lies.
His last email to me was one of the worst. He called me some names that cut to the core and made me feel like I was worthless. Despite everything God had said to me through His Word, I felt like nothing. That night I cried maybe worse than I had since the ending. I prayed with every ounce of my being to God. I think the Devil might have hidden under a rock my desire for God was so powerful.
He heard me to say the least. At five in the morning I had a compelling urge to check my emails. I have no idea why. I just did. It was an end completely. No more pain. I felt such a release of emotion and hurt that I could barely contain it. It was FREEDOM. I was free from whatever had me chained to the past. God had set me free.
To be continued...
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7
If only I had known this verse then. Perhaps things would not have gotten so heated. It ended up being an early night after that. The discussion was cut short and I was basically cast out of the house with a curt "I love you" and a peck on the cheek. To say the least, I was not exactly feeling the love.
Back at home, I tried to apologize for being so harsh. In his mind I had basically told him he was going to hell. To me, I had just been trying to figure out a way to get past his issues. All I wanted to do was help. Was that so wrong? He barely texted me though and I barely slept that night.
Monday morning meant an 8:30 class and I was running on nearly no sleep. I could barely focus for the entire morning. My mind was on the conversation the night before. Things were not right. I replayed everything that he had said to me not only in the past week but in the past month and I became amazingly tense and afraid.
After class he texted me. He was straight to the point. It was over and that was it. I had no chance of pleading with him; I knew how he was. It felt as though my heart had been ripped from my body. How could I function? My friends were there for me but I still couldn't handle it. I was in shock. It had only been three months and things had ended. Needless to say, I went home. I tried to be normal and go to my appointments. I went to work, went to the doctor, chiropractor.
Only a couple days later my mom came in to the city with my sister. They tried to cheer me up and make me eat. We rented a movie and I fell asleep within five minutes. It was probably a good thing. I hadn't slept since before that last conversation. I didn't eat anything... until my mom forced me to.
Within a couple days he was with someone new. The last few weeks we had been together made sense now: the distance and separation. Him arguing over the small things. The pain only increased. I dropped pounds, and fast. My friends couldn't cheer me up and my dad was angry with my depression. What could I do though? I had loved someone only to find out that he had cheated on me and then dumped me.
I knew I needed to change. I had to find a way out before I completely lost myself. I read my Bible every day, chapters and books, searching. I prayed and prayed. In the beginning I was praying for the wrong things. I wanted him back. Who knows why. He had hurt me financially, physically, emotionally, verbally, and most importantly: spiritually while we were together. I was still hung up on the mirage of love and not what was really there.
Spring Break rolled around, or as we call it in College: Reading Week. Nobody reads much but it is a nice name. I visited my parents for a couple days before going to Ontario to visit both sets of grandparents. All of them forced food on my like the end of the world was tomorrow. Apparently I was pretty thin. I didn't even notice. Being with the people I love in such a saturated way might have triggered the change. I know God was behind it all but He definitely implemented some angels to help.
I returned home at the end of the week and went back to school on Monday. My passion for reading the Bible had only intensified. I was still searching. I remember talking with him through a couple emails. I knew he had moved onto his second girlfriend since leaving me but he decided to tell me how great she was. He made sure I knew that she was better than me. In every. Single. Way. We both said some things. He was aiming to hurt and much of it was through lies. He was good with lies.
His last email to me was one of the worst. He called me some names that cut to the core and made me feel like I was worthless. Despite everything God had said to me through His Word, I felt like nothing. That night I cried maybe worse than I had since the ending. I prayed with every ounce of my being to God. I think the Devil might have hidden under a rock my desire for God was so powerful.
He heard me to say the least. At five in the morning I had a compelling urge to check my emails. I have no idea why. I just did. It was an end completely. No more pain. I felt such a release of emotion and hurt that I could barely contain it. It was FREEDOM. I was free from whatever had me chained to the past. God had set me free.
To be continued...
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