The talk was not exactly a cheerful one. It was about Christianity and how God helps those who follow and believe in Him. He makes things better in our life even if sometimes we do not realize it. God battles depression for us and can rid us of our problems and anxieties.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7
If only I had known this verse then. Perhaps things would not have gotten so heated. It ended up being an early night after that. The discussion was cut short and I was basically cast out of the house with a curt "I love you" and a peck on the cheek. To say the least, I was not exactly feeling the love.
Back at home, I tried to apologize for being so harsh. In his mind I had basically told him he was going to hell. To me, I had just been trying to figure out a way to get past his issues. All I wanted to do was help. Was that so wrong? He barely texted me though and I barely slept that night.
Monday morning meant an 8:30 class and I was running on nearly no sleep. I could barely focus for the entire morning. My mind was on the conversation the night before. Things were not right. I replayed everything that he had said to me not only in the past week but in the past month and I became amazingly tense and afraid.
After class he texted me. He was straight to the point. It was over and that was it. I had no chance of pleading with him; I knew how he was. It felt as though my heart had been ripped from my body. How could I function? My friends were there for me but I still couldn't handle it. I was in shock. It had only been three months and things had ended. Needless to say, I went home. I tried to be normal and go to my appointments. I went to work, went to the doctor, chiropractor.
Only a couple days later my mom came in to the city with my sister. They tried to cheer me up and make me eat. We rented a movie and I fell asleep within five minutes. It was probably a good thing. I hadn't slept since before that last conversation. I didn't eat anything... until my mom forced me to.
Within a couple days he was with someone new. The last few weeks we had been together made sense now: the distance and separation. Him arguing over the small things. The pain only increased. I dropped pounds, and fast. My friends couldn't cheer me up and my dad was angry with my depression. What could I do though? I had loved someone only to find out that he had cheated on me and then dumped me.
I knew I needed to change. I had to find a way out before I completely lost myself. I read my Bible every day, chapters and books, searching. I prayed and prayed. In the beginning I was praying for the wrong things. I wanted him back. Who knows why. He had hurt me financially, physically, emotionally, verbally, and most importantly: spiritually while we were together. I was still hung up on the mirage of love and not what was really there.
Spring Break rolled around, or as we call it in College: Reading Week. Nobody reads much but it is a nice name. I visited my parents for a couple days before going to Ontario to visit both sets of grandparents. All of them forced food on my like the end of the world was tomorrow. Apparently I was pretty thin. I didn't even notice. Being with the people I love in such a saturated way might have triggered the change. I know God was behind it all but He definitely implemented some angels to help.
I returned home at the end of the week and went back to school on Monday. My passion for reading the Bible had only intensified. I was still searching. I remember talking with him through a couple emails. I knew he had moved onto his second girlfriend since leaving me but he decided to tell me how great she was. He made sure I knew that she was better than me. In every. Single. Way. We both said some things. He was aiming to hurt and much of it was through lies. He was good with lies.
His last email to me was one of the worst. He called me some names that cut to the core and made me feel like I was worthless. Despite everything God had said to me through His Word, I felt like nothing. That night I cried maybe worse than I had since the ending. I prayed with every ounce of my being to God. I think the Devil might have hidden under a rock my desire for God was so powerful.
He heard me to say the least. At five in the morning I had a compelling urge to check my emails. I have no idea why. I just did. It was an end completely. No more pain. I felt such a release of emotion and hurt that I could barely contain it. It was FREEDOM. I was free from whatever had me chained to the past. God had set me free.
To be continued...
Remembering Summer
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