The Burger Rant

Today, the lovely fast-food restaurant, A&W had their annual Muscular Sclerosis fundraiser.  Customers were able to donate for the past month or so, but on August 25th money from every Teen Burger bought across Canada went towards research for MS.  Unfortunately, I was unable to drive into town to by myself a burger or two and support this great cause.
Instead, I phoned my grandparents who were in town for the day.  I would be getting a burger for supper and helping those who have MS.  I thought for sure this would be something my grandparents would be willing to do.  It was not even out of their way.  My granny told me, however, that they were planning on picking up chicken.
This does not help anybody really!  Chicken is a great deal worse for the body than a burger and KFC does not have any fundraisers going to help find a cure for a horrible disease.
I pointed this out and would you like to know what I got in return?  "People don't help anybody with Lymes."  I honestly almost slammed the phone down.  I am so incredibly tired of hearing about Lymes disease.  She uses it as an excuse for anything and everything.  Quite often there are magical symptoms that she comes down with that are not actually associated with the disease.  It is simply something used to gain attention, and I am being deadly serious when I say this.
Apart from this.  Lymes disease is completely, 100% curable.  Yes some people spend years with it before they are diagnosed, but once they have been it does not take long to rid themselves of the disease.    People no longer need to support Lymes research because they have already found the cure! 
Muscular Sclerosis is still a mystery to scientists.  There is no known cause and no known cure.  Research has found a way to temporarily hold it at bay, but even that is not forever.  Some doctors have found a solution that cures some with the disease, but even this has not proved successful for others.
I understand that having any disease is a horrible experience.  Depending on what it is, it can be extremely painful and exhausting.  It can even take your life. 
How many family members or friends do you know suffer from MS?  This is something that affects millions of people all across the globe.  We should all contribute where we can.  I cannot afford to donate hundreds or thousands of dollars, but I know I can afford to buy one burger on one day of the year and even donate the remainder of my change.  Every little bit counts people; do what you can!

Clarification

Alright so it has been officially nine days since Jeff got down on one knee.  I still look at my ring and find it a little strange.  I love it when my family and friends who didn't know, grab my hand and go, "What the heck is this!?"  Apparently I have been blinding people a little with the amazing rock that is sitting on my left hand.  So far, no car accidents have occurred.
Jeff and I both want to clarify something though.  Just because it has been over a week, does not mean we have a date picked.  He is currently in MB and I am currently in ON until the end of the summer.  Why would we want to plan a wedding apart when in a couple weeks we can sit down together and really talk about it?  This is a massive step in our lives and yes, we are extremely excited... but we are also being patient.
So.  For all those who have been asking... whether it is those who ask every hour just to bug us, or those who seriously want to know, we have not picked a day.  We have not even talked about what season we want to have it in.  Give us a break folks!!!
When we know, you will know!

Are you shittin me!?

So the day was Tuesday, August 9th, 2011; Jeff's 27th birthday.  We started out by doing some work at camp in the morning so we could have the entire afternoon and evening off.  I gave Jeff this first half of his gift, two movies right up his alley: Team America and Super Troopers.  He got a kick out of them. 
After lunch we packed up some snacks and towels and headed out on the quad.  There is an amazing waterfall hidden way down the road, even more in the middle of nowhere than our camp.  It takes an hour to get there and we accidentally forgot the map. Oops!  Thankfully, we did not get lost down some quad trail.  After spending an hour or so at the falls, exploring and picnicking, we decided it was time to head back.
The last part of Jeff's birthday was supposed to be dinner and a walk.  The Plaza is a little Greek restaurant in Kenora that is crazy busy!!  We managed to snag a back booth where we had our lovely romantic dinner.  We laughed, we talked, we ate way too much food.
Eventually we left on our walk to the lovely Husky the Musky.  Despite the massive fish, the gardens there are beautiful and there is a lookout spot where we sat and looked out over the city while the fountain blew a hundred feet in the air.  I gave Jeff the rest of his gift, which consisted of Keith Urban tickets and a BP gift card.  Needless to say, he was excited.
We waited while people took pictures of the fountain and Jeff managed to hold his tongue, but not quite long enough.  He whispered to me while we sat there, "I was almost going to say something rude to make them leave!"  I asked, "Like what?"  "Everyone these days goes out and buys these fancy cameras and thinks they are a photographer."  Turns out the lady with the camera was only just behind us, still taking pictures.  She left pretty quick after that.
"Well, this was a pretty okay birthday but it wasn't the best one I've had."  Jeff said to me and stood.
My face fell.  I had tried so hard to make it such an amazing birthday, our first one as a couple.
"But you know what would make it an amazing birthday?"  He got down on one knee and pulled out this small box.  "If you would marry me and become my wife."
I lost my breath after that one.  Nice sneak attack on Jeff's part.  "Are you shitting me?"  I asked.  "Are you serious?"
He nodded and laughed and I nodded and whispered, "Yes" as he slipped the most amazing ring onto my shaking finger.
We hugged and kissed and I teared up a bit.  Eventually we walked back to the truck, talking and laughing the whole way.  Mostly Jeff was just laughing at me while I was stuck in my shock.  He apparently had carried the ring around all day, waiting.  Who knew?

Thanks to everyone who planned and kept the secret from me for MONTHS!  It was the most amazing, beautiful surprise ever.

Entirely too Tired

Sundays should be relaxing.  I don't remember the last time I actually did nothing on God's day of rest.  Yes I do have other days where sometimes I am able to breathe a little.  But all I want, is a time where I can focus on God and only Him.
It would be nice to talk to people I don't always get to chat with, to visit family I don't always get to see...something besides work.  Wouldn't that be lovely; something besides working.

iPhone

Well.  Yesterday was my first telephone conversation with my boyfriend.  It was the first time we spoke to each other in a week apart from a few texts and a few Facebook messages.  Honestly I nearly burst into tears right in the middle of it.
He might not care one bit but I miss the heck out of him.  Then he goes and tells me he has this brand new phone.  It's all great and fancy and he spent more than 300$ on it.  Lovely.  Yet he can't seem to buy a girl some flippen' flowers!  Yes, I am jealous of a phone.
Anywho.  The radio phone out here cut us off after half an hour and I had to go eat dinner.  Then when I tried texting him later that evening, he was too busy to talk.  And today we were supposed to have another phone chat but once again, he is too busy... and what he is "busy" with, is not even anything important. 
Half an hour out of his day to call his girlfriend who he hasn't seen in more than a week and won't see for nearly ten days.  Wow.  Thanks for making me feel special and loved.  I am out in the boonies, by myself.  I am tired and lonely.  All I want is for some company for thirty freakin' minutes.

Wow

Well yesterday was quite the day.  I slept in for once in my life, I had a bath that was longer than just ten minutes, and I actually read a book that did not involve large, scientific terms.  To say the least, things started out quite relaxing.
Mid-afternoon I drove into the city and met up with a friend and her fiance.  We went to a nearby park and I snapped a few pictures for them.  This being my second official photoshoot, I was seriously excited.  I took more than seventy pictures but of course only around fifteen of them were good enough.  That's how it seems to go.
That being done, I returned to my little apartment and sat around for a couple hours debating whether to go grocery shopping or wait.  I watched part of a movie and when that wrapped up I threw on some boots and went out.  My grocery shopping has never been as healthy as it was yesterday!  Everything involved fruit, low fat, low sugar, low calories.  Apparently I am having a fruit salad today.  Horrah!
Once again at home, I managed to plop myself on the couch once more and watch television for two hours.  Keeping up with the Kardashians.... now that is quite the show.  I just could not turn it off.  It was so fascinating.  Almost like a train wreck.
Thank goodness it was time to head out again before I turned into a blob.  This time I drove across town to meet up with some friends for school at the good ol' Olive Garden.  I ordered way too much food and never finished it all but had a blast seeing people I hadn't seen over the past two weeks!  Oh how I will miss those people.
Now why is the title of this wow?  I am just so amazingly blessed to have been able to experience such a wonderful day.  It honestly baffles me how people cannot believe in something more when their lives are so great.  Even during the bad days, there are those little things that just remind us of who is in control.
Today my partner has a meeting with his boss and I have been up for two hours now waiting to hear how it went.  Yes I am nervous for him since he does not know the reason for it, but I have been praying.  I know God will watch over him and carry him through. 
There is lots of things that need to get done today... so I better get going and do them!  I need to stop worrying and have a little faith. 

Honeycombs

So I wake up at three a.m. to take a early morning bathroom break.  I know that his phone died so I decide to check my Facebook.  Of course I had gone on a huge rant before bed about him and his past and most of that stemmed from some Bimbo comment on his picture.  It was absolutely stupid.
But anyways, back on track.  I had a single message and it was pretty basic:
"hey question for yea, what kinda style of ring would you wear?"
SAY WHAT!? 
I of course had to keep my cool so I tried to keep my reply casual.  He had joked about proposing in the past with an onion ring he would boil up himself.  Such a romantic.
My first reply was joking a bit:
"Ring? Not onion... too greasy."
Then I became serious and had to try not to start sending him pictures of this gorgeous ring I had seen the other day...
"But seriously. Ummm. My grad ring was like yours only smaller and I found that although it looked good it was a bit too chunky for me. Like really... I have tiny hands.
I guess simple but elegant? Sort of classic.. Does that make sense? White over yellow just because I like the look of it. Lol."
This morning he tells me to send him some pictures.  I sent him four.  Two had diamonds in them and I know he has issues with the morality of diamonds but I figure he can change the stone.  The other two had emeralds.  All were white gold.  They were all super simple but super gorgeous.
Can I apologize enough for my freak out yesterday? 

None At ALL

No Media is definitely difficult.
Turning my phone off was fine.  Leaving my laptop shut was okay.  Not turning the television on... easy.  The only problem was when other people turned that stupid tube of endless media on.  I spent two days at Jeff's and he was totally cool with the fasting.  When he caught up on the news, I just went into the sunroom and he would join me after catching the highlights.  Jeff likes to watch the news quite loud though so it was interesting to attempt to block it out.
Does it count if I was not listening but could still hear?
Other than that I was only caught once.  We were in the city with my parents and a television was playing highlights from a hockey game.  It just happened to be my favorite team.  Oops!  I did not even catch myself until my dad asked why I was watching it.  I honestly did not pay attention to the billboards we passed, but I know I still saw them.
Lesson learned: We cannot separate ourselves from Media without separating ourselves from the world.  No matter where we go in the modern world today there is some form of Media.  I most definitely did my best, and it was not as difficult as I first presumed it would be.  Turning your phone off is NOT HARD people.  Just do it and you will be amazed at how stress free it is.

Where was I?

Of course.  Things are never as easy as they seem.  He managed to get himself lost on the way and I spent hours thinking he was not actually coming to see me.  I had no cell service so there was no way for me to find out.  It was all over reaction of course since he did eventually turn up.
Part of me was afraid that it would be awkward.  Here we were for nearly a week hanging out all day every day.  But it was not bad.  We became closer and I felt as though we connected.  When he had to leave... well it was difficult to say the least.  He promised he would return, but in my world, promises are puffs of smoke.
During our time together, I felt perfectly comfortable.  I knew things would keep going for us.  After he left though, I turned back into the emotional, self-conscious person I was before.  My trust levels were still non-existent.  To make matters worse, my lovely ex decided it was a good time to bring up that I was not worth anybodies time.  Thank you Satan for giving me a complete and total emotional breakdown.
A little over a month later, he returned, and stayed for nearly two weeks.  Things were tough at times as I found myself in conflict with someone whom I love dearly.  He did not approve of my behavior with my guy and made it known in a very hurtful way.  I knew I was not acting any different but because there was someone "pursuing" me, he felt as though I needed to be more careful.  What he saw as an outsider was not what I saw as the actor.
As a young adult, it is very difficult to say that you are wrong even when you are absolutely certain you are in the right.  I am quite fine with admitting when I have made a mistake or done something that is not right.  I was very hurt though to be told that my "love interest" was going to hurt me physically because of my actions.  I did not know how to deal with this situation and of course, with my emotions all over the place the entire summer... another complete breakdown occurred.  Or rather... a couple of them.
My guy helped me sort it though and we talked about it.  He supported me when I felt entirely confused and lost.  We spoke about many things during his visit and I knew then that things were going to work.  If we could sort through these tough times without him fleeing in fear, that was a good sign.
He returned home once more and I followed soon after to return to school.  By now, we knew we were together.  There is no official day saying, "Hey today we became a couple!"  But sometimes this is better.  We flowed into it and there was no pressure.  Recently I found out that in my absence he dated a few girls during the summer.  Needless to say, I am okay with this.  We were not serious at that point and there was no true commitment; there was nothing tying us together giving him a reason not to "check out the market".  It would have been nice if the stupid boy had some patience, but in the end it all worked out.  And even today he has no patience with anything either.  God help me.

And in the End...

Summer was longer than usual.  Well... to be technical.  I did finish in April instead of June.  I left mid-way through May to return to Ontario.  I do not think I have ever experienced so much pain in leaving Manitoba before in all my years.  Although I knew we would see each other again, I felt as though I had been dumped once again.  This of course was illogical.  We were only dating.  It had only been a month or so.  Really I should have just gone on my way and never looked back.
Of course, me being a woman, this was not the case.  Every time some other girl posted on his wall or made a comment... I read into it more than I should have.  I tried to just ignore any posts that he made and told myself to not email him or message him.  Every day, I wanted to cry when he did not text me or chat with me when I was on the internet.  I had thought we had something.  Apparently he did not.
This went on for I don't know how long.  I basically worked my ass off in hopes of just forgetting it and pretending like it was not a big deal that he did not care.  I read my Bible, but that only made me cry more.  I could not find what God wanted me to see.  I did not know what His plan was or if I should really move on like I had before.  It was too soon to just forget everything again.
Of course, we did keep in touch, asking how things were and whatnot on rare occasion... like strangers.  I remember him always asking me what the weather was like... now I know it is because he wanted to know how the lake was, what I was experiencing.  Eventually though, we began talking like we had in the beginning.  Whenever we could.  This was more into June and my summer was nearly half over.  It almost made things worse because I missed him so greatly but could not physically be with him.  It felt like teasing, our five minute conversations.
Much of what I found difficult was from my ex telling me that I was not good enough for anybody and nobody would ever want to date me.  And then my current love interest barely spoke to me.  In early July, I had a friend's wedding in Manitoba.  We made the plan for me to meet him briefly at his work before I returned to Ontario.  I was most worried about whether it would be the same or if things would be awkward between us.
Needless to say... things picked up again.  I was not delusional in believing there had been something.  It was true.  Because I had visited him... we now made a plan for him to come visit me.  My summer was not so dismal anymore.  I had spent months as an emotional wrecking ball and I felt as though I could relax once again.  I never did actually relax of course, with my trust level in guys being out the window.  But I had faith in God and continuously told myself that He had a plan.
To be continued...

A New Beginning

Because we live in the twenty-first century, I of course had to share my new found joy with the world.  Or at least the world of Facebook composing of only four-hundred people in my friends list.  It was five in the morning and I felt wonderful.  I shot out my little status update proclaiming that the weight had been lifted and I was happy.  I slept for hours after that.  There were no nightmares, no tears in my sleep.  Just peace.
I went to school that day with a smile on my face and a lightness in my step.  All of my friends were so happy to see the new me.  A friend of mine on Facebook, who I had met only once (through my ex no less!) happened to comment on this great joy.  He opened a conversation with me and we began talking.  He wanted to know what the difference was since I had been single for months.  We talked for nearly five hours while I was in class, between class, and then in class again.  We exchanged phone numbers and continued talking.  I do not remember the entire conversation, but we definitely became friends that day.  We learned a great deal about one another.  March was definitely a good month.
After a week or so, we made plans to go see a movie together.  He thought it was his idea... but I implemented it.  What girl wants to go to a scary movie alone??  Before this, we ended up getting together.  I was invited to hang out with him and his buddy at Boston Pizza.  It seemed like a good idea.  It was much more relaxed with his friend there and I was able to see what he was like in that atmosphere.
Our date was definitely a success.  At least in my eyes.  He picked me up, something I had never experienced from a guy before, as sad as that sounds.  We went to see the Crazies and I squeezed his hand to death the entire time.  Afterward we grabbed coffee and went for a walk in the park... for three hours.  After he dropped me off at home, we talked for another two hours.  How could my happiness be any greater?
We hung out again a few times after that.  We went on another couple of dates and I met his parents.  That was an interesting experience... I wont go into details.  Everything was great.  There was only one problem.  Summer was fast approaching and he had yet to ask me out.  I was leaving for Ontario in May.  I was freaking out.  I thought things were going quite great from my perspective.  We were taking it slow, but really?
There was no doubt about a connection in my eyes.  So what was his problem?
To be continued...

Moving On

The talk was not exactly a cheerful one.  It was about Christianity and how God helps those who follow and believe in Him.  He makes things better in our life even if sometimes we do not realize it.  God battles depression for us and can rid us of our problems and anxieties.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:6-7
If only I had known this verse then.  Perhaps things would not have gotten so heated.  It ended up being an early night after that.  The discussion was cut short and I was basically cast out of the house with a curt "I love you" and a peck on the cheek.  To say the least, I was not exactly feeling the love.
Back at home, I tried to apologize for being so harsh.  In his mind I had basically told him he was going to hell.  To me, I had just been trying to figure out a way to get past his issues.  All I wanted to do was help.  Was that so wrong?  He barely texted me though and I barely slept that night.
Monday morning meant an 8:30 class and I was running on nearly no sleep.  I could barely focus for the entire morning.  My mind was on the conversation the night before.  Things were not right.  I replayed everything that he had said to me not only in the past week but in the past month and I became amazingly tense and afraid.
After class he texted me.  He was straight to the point.  It was over and that was it.  I had no chance of pleading with him; I knew how he was.  It felt as though my heart had been ripped from my body.  How could I function?  My friends were there for me but I still couldn't handle it.  I was in shock.  It had only been three months and things had ended.  Needless to say, I went home.  I tried to be normal and go to my appointments.  I went to work, went to the doctor, chiropractor.

Only a couple days later my mom came in to the city with my sister.  They tried to cheer me up and make me eat.  We rented a movie and I fell asleep within five minutes.  It was probably a good thing.  I hadn't slept since before that last conversation.  I didn't eat anything... until my mom forced me to.
Within a couple days he was with someone new.  The last few weeks we had been together made sense now: the distance and separation.  Him arguing over the small things.  The pain only increased.  I dropped pounds, and fast.  My friends couldn't cheer me up and my dad was angry with my depression.  What could I do though?  I had loved someone only to find out that he had cheated on me and then dumped me.
I knew I needed to change.  I had to find a way out before I completely lost myself.  I read my Bible every day, chapters and books, searching.  I prayed and prayed.  In the beginning I was praying for the wrong things.  I wanted him back.  Who knows why.  He had hurt me financially, physically, emotionally, verbally, and most importantly: spiritually while we were together.  I was still hung up on the mirage of love and not what was really there.
Spring Break rolled around, or as we call it in College: Reading Week.  Nobody reads much but it is a nice name.  I visited my parents for a couple days before going to Ontario to visit both sets of grandparents.  All of them forced food on my like the end of the world was tomorrow.  Apparently I was pretty thin.  I didn't even notice.  Being with the people I love in such a saturated way might have triggered the change.  I know God was behind it all but He definitely implemented some angels to help.
I returned home at the end of the week and went back to school on Monday.  My passion for reading the Bible had only intensified.  I was still searching.  I remember talking with him through a couple emails.  I knew he had moved onto his second girlfriend since leaving me but he decided to tell me how great she was.  He made sure I knew that she was better than me. In every. Single. Way.  We both said some things.  He was aiming to hurt and much of it was through lies.  He was good with lies.
His last email to me was one of the worst.  He called me some names that cut to the core and made me feel like I was worthless.  Despite everything God had said to me through His Word, I felt like nothing.  That night I cried maybe worse than I had since the ending.  I prayed with every ounce of my being to God.  I think the Devil might have hidden under a rock my desire for God was so powerful.
He heard me to say the least.  At five in the morning I had a compelling urge to check my emails.  I have no idea why.  I just did.  It was an end completely.  No more pain.  I felt such a release of emotion and hurt that I could barely contain it.  It was FREEDOM.  I was free from whatever had me chained to the past.  God had set me free.
To be continued...